Super Hyphy Confessional Style
I’ve been on Bactrim before. Bakktrim. Good metal band name.
“Two LL Beans?” He says. “WE-IRD.” Pause. “The Best Water Bottle…”
The doctor said, “I’m fine with you having one drink.” Wuh-oh. “But in five days you’ll be ready for the holidays.”
He was a middle-aged (?) Egyptian man with an office on Madison Avenue. This is what happens when you combine a belief in Deepak Chopra’s spontaneous fulfillment of desire and the Duane Reade walk-in clinic.
I loved that the doctor at the Duane Reade walk-in clinic never called it that by name. “Hi uh…Dr. Egyptian Name…yeah, it’s Dr. Weirdo at the…Urgent Care Group.”
There was a moment after I peed in a cup for the third time, and while I was haunched over the examination table with Dr. Weirdo’s hands on my back, looking for evidence of scoliosis, that I was like, uh, who’s zooming who? And I laughed. There was only SLIGHTLY enough evidence for my narcissism to kick in.
Dr. Weirdo remains convinced I’m suffering from a sports injury I’ve forgotten. “Soccer,” he said. As if it wasn’t more than twenty years ago that I last played a competitive game of basketball.
I think I ran out of free Duane Reade follow-ups. (The best deal in town, by the way!) So he had to pass me off to someone.
“Oh, you’re really going to like Dr. Egyptian Name,” he said. “He’s a real gentleman. He had a whole floor at the hospital to himself. With seven or eight residents following him around at all times.”
Oh he’s a charmer. With waxed eyebrows. Could pass for Yul Brenner. Speaking French to the (probably also Egyptian?) elderly woman who probably had the real 9am appointment.
Dr. Egyptian Name went straight for the tough questions. “Any…sex toys?”
WELL DOCTAH EGYPTIAN NAME, AH NEV-AH!
The next thing I know, he’s drawing my blood, hammering my knees, and confirming my scoliosis. Well thanks, but what I’m really here to find out is, how come after 5 days of Cipro, and 3 days of Bactrim, and 2 more days of Bactrim, I still can’t produce “clean” pee?
Dr. Weirdo accused me of doing it wrong. Did you know you can pee wrong? “A clean catch involves peeing into the toilet, and then only catching the second half.”
So guess I’m just a cray-cray hypochondriac who can’t get enough of doctorly love. Just pass me from one man without a wedding ring to another man without a wedding ring. Sure, tell me about the time you drank hurricanes at Pat O’s and passed out. Sure! That’ll be fifty dollars, get an X-Ray (????), take your Bactrim and see ya on Tuesday.
C-YA!
